The Three Kinds of Fights

When you and your spouse are fighting, it’s been said that Fighting coupleyou should “fight naked”.  The idea behind this is twofold: it’s very hard to stay angry when you’re both stark naked, but being emotionally and utterly transparent in your communication will lead to a better conflict resolution.  In marriage, you won’t always agree, which means that you’re going to end up fighting.  It’s inevitable, so you shouldn’t ask yourself “what if we fight?” but rather “how can we fight in a healthy way?”.  I recently came across an article that discusses three different types of marital fights, and how you can seek reconciliation, listed below:

Annoyances and bickering: When you’re living with another human, you’ll end up getting annoyed sometimes.  It might have to do with how you brush your teeth, whether or not you clean up after yourself, whether or not you leave the lights on, the list is endless.  However, these annoyances are never deal-breakers; they can always be worked out or around.  If it is a problem, then voice your concerns in a constructive way and time.  If you or your spouse do end up using an inflammatory stone, then try to hear what they’re saying before how they’re saying it.

Fights that stem from deep hurts: These are the fights where the heart is involved.  There are various types of scenarios that can illustrate this type of fight, such as spending habits, family frustrations or being ignored.  However, as the author of the article pointed out, each time the fight seems to come from “bottling it up”.  When those fights do occur, you need to seek reconciliation as opposed to a way to vent your hurt.  Make sure you talk; you both need to commit to talking it through, and look to hear what isn’t being said.  Ultimately, don’t let pride drive you further apart, and admit if you’re wrong.

Core issue disagreements: Not every couple shares the same values.  Some of them can be based on political or religious persuasion, but they can be about plenty of other things: disciplining the kids, strategies for saving money and career choices, among other things.  If you’re dealing with such an issue, seek agreement and understanding.  If you’re still at an impasse, then you’ll need to compromise.  When you do compromise, don’t let it poison your marriage by fostering long-term bitterness and anger.  

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